“People who are really really passionate will stay. Will always stay.
The catfishers will move out.
Same with writers, engineers, and everyone else.” Said this friend I was talking to on what’s app a week back about temporary influencers/attention seekers and fads on social media with respect to various creative interests.
It hit me hard, though he wasn’t directing the statement at me, it was just a normal expression but I felt that.
Maybe he didn’t know that some people write because there’s suffering in them, and that ends at some point.
I haven’t written a single article in 6 months, which was once my therapy.
The writing wasn’t a trend in my life, it was a desire which later turned into a need that filled a void, something that actually listened to those voices in my head,
I remember me wanting to be heard, my opinions, my feelings, thoughts and everything that suffocated and suffered in me.
I remember me being detached and depressed about everything on a bad day and one less thing on a good day.
I remember me wanting to be alone but not lonely,
I needed a place to put my life in order, all that love I had in my heart not knowing where or who to give it to, scared inside wondering how my life ended up like that even when it was so much better than I thought it would be, searching for peace sometimes within, sometimes in a stranger, a phase of regret, loathe, fear, sadness..
Writing befriended me,
Though I wasn’t very good at it, I didn’t feel the need to be good cos, In the end, I thought it was real, you know, crudely–what I felt in me,
I didn’t write for six months because I didn’t feel that pain in me anymore.
I wasn’t numb it’s just that my suffering ended, mentally.
You ask me, how?
I think it was the people and the ability to forgive and forget. Accepting people for who they are made all the difference. For so long, I made myself believe that we don’t need people to be happy, it took me quite some time to realize that you can still be independent while being vulnerable, we all need empathy as much as we need oxygen. (You can fight me on this, but you’ll give up eventually, trust me!)
Different things work for different people. It really amazes me that some of them are really wise and knew how to be happy in life, I’ve envied them for so long, I wanted to be like them, happy, carefree and confident, no matter what,
I wanted to hone that quality of being happy, being strong no matter what!
I remember looking for consolation everywhere and in everything.
I closed myself, avoiding human contact without realizing that we need people. We all do.
We need relationships, with those who’re living next door, with the one who cleans your sheets every day, with those who you travel to work, with everyone,
I realized I’ve closed myself and expected someone to force open me up, peek inside and magically heal my life,
Well, it’s no movie, you’ve got to let someone in,
I gave those people around me a chance before I got too vulnerable, People were never bad around me, they were being themselves, I chose to ignore the part when they were good to me but just held on to something that had hurt me,
People make mistakes, I made some, we all do,
We need relationships with people, but at the same time it’s okay taking time to figure out when you’re ready to let somebody in and actually trust someone who isn’t a threat to your peace of mind, there’s no pressure, absolutely! It’s just about what’s worked for me.
I’m glad I’ve opened up,
I got better. I made friends.
In the end, it gets better. It definitely will.
Don’t give up yet, this is all just a bad dream and
“There is a legend among the humans of the phoenix, who rises from his own ashes”
It feels good to be back.
Also, be nice to people.. it’ll come back!
PS: It might feel like you are alone out there but believe me, you are not! It’s a part of who you are turning into! All the suffering won’t matter in 10-15 years.